The Rise and Fall of Nonbinary
July Live + Unfiltered Recap
In this month’s session, we revisited one of our very early episodes, “Nonbinary Identities,” originally released in September 2021. The conversation is still highly relevant now, and the concept of nonbinary seemed to “peak” even after the 2021 recording. For example, here is a screen grab from Google Trends, which measures relative popularity of a search term over time.
Why did search interest in ‘nonbinary’ peak in Feb 2022?
We noted that this spike seems to coincides with Timothy LeDuc making headlines as “the first openly nonbinary athlete” to represent Team USA (partners figure skating). As you can see, there’s no definition or explanation given to Timothy’s identity, pronoun use, or otherwise. A head-scratcher indeed.
Nonbinary as stepping stone (in and out)
Some kids identify as nonbinary as a way to dip their toe into the gender concept. This often leads to a full cross-sex trans identity. But interestingly, on their way out of a trans identity, nonbinary can also serve as a safe exit strategy. This may be an LGBTQAI++-friendsly way to backpedal from earlier declarations—without losing status in their peer groups or online communities. One participant called it a “face-saving form of desistance.”
Is it about identity—or avoiding judgment?
Many parents reflected that their kids seem to use nonbinary identity to dodge being boxed in. Stella noted that “avoiding categorization is a way to avoid judgment.” Sometimes it’s people-pleasing, sometimes it’s protest, and sometimes it’s both. Sadly, some young people are dehumanizing themselves completely, not only with “they/them” pronouns, but with the use of “it/it’s” - Stella recounts her refusal to collude with a client’s desire to be dehumanized in this way.
“Everyone knows what it means now.”
One reason search interest has declined may be that everyone has already heard of nonbinary by now. But use in books and media (per Google Ngram) is still climbing. The cultural weight of the concept hasn’t necessarily faded—perhaps it’s just become more embedded. On the other hand, many more public figures seem willing to poke fun at the concept, which seems like some much needed levity.
Compression, concealment, and the female body
Several participants spoke movingly about daughters who wear binders, compression bras, or sports bras to flatten their chests. For many, this reflects deep discomfort with female puberty and the unwanted male attention that comes with it. We also touched on the role of PCOS, sensory issues, and traumatic experiences.
A “punk” aesthetic with higher stakes
Girls in crop tops and short shorts may still identify as nonbinary. The contradiction points to the symbolic (rather than literal) nature of this identity for many teens—a kind of postmodern performance of rebellion, self-definition, or opt-out femininity.
Autistic kids and literalism
Several parents shared how their autistic or highly literal children have clung to the nonbinary label. Sasha emphasized that for some kids, this may be the first thing they’ve asked for, and the way parents respond can set the tone for all future conversations.
Is 'nonbinary' the new 'queer'?
Some noticed that “nonbinary” has become more common among young people as a kind of performative identity. One mom said, “My son’s straight, cis friends all use ‘they/them’ now. I don’t know what’s going on.” Another described it as “not a trad wife” signaling—queer-coded, without a clear definition. It’s a political label, rather than a true reflection of natural, organic gender nonconformity.
The danger of denying reality
We acknowledged that nonbinary identity can be a legitimate way to explore discomfort with gender roles—but when it leads to medicalization, reality denial, or loss of self, it becomes something else entirely. Lisa noted that “psychology should make people stronger, not more fragile.”
Retreat Flash Sale!
Don’t forget—registration is open for Anchored, the Wider Lens Retreat this November with Sasha and Lisa Marchiano. It will take place in the Austin, TX area. Through the end of July, we’re offering a $350 discount as part of a flash sale, with multiple levels of accommodations to fit your needs. This will be our final retreat, and it’s going to be special.
Beyond Gender: What’s Really Going On with Gender?
Stella's new podcast, Beyond Gender, is live. Along with Mia Hughes and Bret Alderman, this show continues to explore the cultural and social aspects of the gender phenomenon. Check it out on YouTube.
The Metaphor of Gender: A New Resource for Youth
Sasha’s new YouTube Channel is generating a lot of conversation! Sasha has been pleasantly surprised to see thoughtful comments and questions in her budding new project. Be sure to subscribe and give some of her videos a like.
* If you want to download the Parent Guide for tips on getting TMOG on your kid’s radar, you can find it here.
Tell Us: What Should We Talk About Next?
We’re eyeing several potential topics for the next Live & Unfiltered…
How to hold parental authority
How current events are shifting the landscape (like the FTC Workshop called “The Dangers of ‘Gender Affirming Care’ for Minors” or the many hospital shut-downs of the GAC programs)
A “theybies” where-are-they-now conversation (following up on “trans kids” who were featured in the media to see what has happened as they’ve grown up)
How and when teens shift from nonbinary to trans—or vice versa
Any of this sound interesting? Do you have other ideas?
Let us know below
Our next meeting will be on a Friday in August, at 5:00 pm ET (details coming soon).
Until next time,
Sasha & Stella
Reading this piece, I was struck by how often the “nonbinary” label seems to emerge from confusion, distress, or a desire to escape judgment—not a stable or coherent sense of self. That resonates with my own experience of trying to make a modest, deeply personal change—reverting to the childhood name I was once known by. It was my given middle name, after all. I assumed it would be simple. It wasn’t. A close friend refused outright, and my husband could not unlearn the old one. That taught me a lasting lesson: identity isn’t something we assert in isolation—it’s something that’s negotiated, remembered, and affirmed (or not) by others.
That’s why the current orthodoxy around pronouns and nonbinary identity rings false to me. We're told that "respect" means instant and unquestioning acceptance—but often, that demand feels less like a plea for dignity and more like a demand for compliance. When “respect” becomes a cudgel, something has gone wrong.
The podcast rightly notes that many of these identities function symbolically—as face-saving devices, performative acts, or political signals—not as reflections of inner truth. And if identity is no longer grounded in reality or relationship, but instead in unilateral assertion backed by social pressure, then perhaps we’re not watching the evolution of gender—but its unraveling.
It's not just the nonbinary search term that peaked in 2022. The terms "am i trans", "am i trans quiz", "transgender quiz" and "trans quiz" also peaked around the same time and has seen steady declines since then. This is the biggest indicator to me thus far that the contagion has started to subside.