Carol, a 40-year-old detransitioned butch lesbian, offered listeners a rare glimpse into a world that is still largely ignored: adult lesbians who transitioned to living as men.

Carol began her transition at 34, describing the initial highs of testosterone—the rush of confidence, the thrill of finally feeling like she fit into the boxes that had eluded her since childhood. But as she tells us, those early highs gave way to a much darker reality.

Carol grew up as a girl who was constantly told she was “acting like a boy.” At just nine years old, she was scolded for playing football with the local pastor’s sons. Her mother, who Carol suspects may have been closeted herself, was furious when she found out. These moments of shame and correction left their mark.

Unlike her blonde-haired, blue-eyed younger sister—adored by everyone—Carol always felt like an outsider, an “ogre” in comparison. At 17, she suffered a nervous breakdown. Throughout her teens and twenties, she struggled with identity, alcoholism (a common theme in the lesbian community), and the relentless invisibility of butch women, who were often the punchline in popular culture.

Carol attempted transition twice: once in her twenties, and again in her thirties. The second time, she committed fully. Testosterone seemed like a lifeline, but the effects soon became unbearable. By a year and a half into transition, her mental health was fraying. By year four, she was paralysed by anxiety, trapped in her room, unable to face the world.

Meanwhile, her female anatomy was deteriorating from lack of use. The medical risks of continuing hormones loomed large, yet no one had warned her about the possible side effects. She says now that taking testosterone in such large doses felt like being on a powerful drug—and one that took a devastating toll.

The Butch Question

Carol’s story also forces us to ask uncomfortable questions about what has happened to butch identity. Where is the cultural space for butch lesbians today? Why are so many disappearing into transition? And what does it say about our society that masculinity in women is treated as a pathology?

Carol’s testimony reveals how limited the narrative around gender distress has become. Her struggles were real, yet transition was presented as the only viable solution. Other options—psychotherapy, community support, deeper exploration of sexuality and identity—were not offered.

“I don’t feel like a woman” was, for Carol, another way of saying “I don’t feel pretty.” But in a world that medicalises gender distress, that sentiment was translated into a prescription for testosterone. Her story makes clear how dangerous it is when clinicians, families, and society reduce complex distress to a medicalised pathway.

For further reading on these themes:

Velvet Chronicle Interview with Carol
Detrans Voices
Katie Herzog’s piece Where Have All the Lesbians Gone?
Butch Identity Development
The He Hormone

Episode 15 is still one of the most powerful conversations we’ve had on Gender: A Wider Lens. Carol’s voice reminds us that transition is not the only way forward for those in distress, and that we urgently need more nuanced pathways, especially for women like her.

But perhaps most of all, Carol challenges us to recognise and reclaim the value of butch identity—a vital, authentic expression of womanhood that deserves visibility, respect, and celebration.

Watch the full episode here:

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