Recap of June's Live & Unfiltered: College Kids, Identity, and the Culture of Estrangement
Self-censorship and connecting from the sidelines
Thank you to everyone who participated in our robust discussion in June’s Live & Unfiltered. It’s always a pleasure to see our thoughtful regulars and welcome new people to our conversation.
During this early summer month, we took on a timely question that many of you raised in our last event:
How can you parent college-age and older children who are navigating their gender identity under powerful institutional and cultural pressures?
We also reflected on:
A recent New York Times podcast, The Protocol, that compares the Dutch and American gender protocols
A Substack post from an OBGYN who formerly performed “gender affirming” hysterectomies but has come to question whether there’s sufficient evidence to justify this practice
Some Highlights from the Conversation
When Your Kid is “Medically Adult”—But Psychologically Immature
Stella noted that many young adults in university are in an “immature medicalization culture.” Parents are left watching in frustration as their kids return from college with new identities and new pronouns, only to leave again before a conversation can begin or provoke any nuanced thought.
“There’s no space to actually talk about anything.”
Sasha highlighted how estrangement often follows quickly after the first signs of pushback from parents. “The moment you question the ideology, it becomes 'you're unsafe.'” Parents are often left on the sidelines, unsure if they’ll ever be allowed back in.
Moving into the “Gender Inclusive Dorm”
The impact of the social environment and peer influence came up again. Stella said it plainly: “It’s an accident of who they meet.” If a vulnerable student ends up in a highly ideological friend group or residential hall, it can be almost impossible to disentangle gender identity from the social scene and their personal psychology.
College is the New Tumblr
From Sasha: “This specific ‘vibe’ used to be online. Now it’s baked into real-life institutions.” Some students live in ideological echo chambers not just on Reddit, but on campus—with dorms, classes, clubs, therapists, and healthcare providers echoing the same mantras.
Low-Connectivity Holidays & ‘Double Lives’
We talked about how to strategically reconnect with kids during college breaks. Sasha suggested that immersive, no-internet environments might facilitate greater connection and embodiment. “Sometimes the best way to get through is just getting off-grid together for a while.”
“Nonbinary” Grammar Across Languages
We compared language patterns and cultural adoption of nonbinary pronouns and other gender jargon in various countries. Languages that use gendered verb and adjective forms are dramatically different from those which don’t. Becoming a “pronoun ninja” is nearly impossible when speaking gendered languages, like French, as one participant pointed out. So it’s no surprise that trans and gender activism in other countries simply coopts and recycles English-language concepts and tries (sometimes unsuccessfully) to integrate them into their own.
Tell Us: What Should We Talk About Next Month?
We’ll be back in July, this time on a Saturday (exact date TBA soon).
A few of the standout topics we could revisit:
Non-binary identity as “gender nihilism”
New language patterns emerging in gender culture
Relationship dynamics among FTM-identified young women
What to say (and not say) to skeptical, defensive older kids
Or are there GWL episodes you’d like us to analyze?
Drop your ideas in the comments below. It really helps us to have your input!
Links Shared in the Chat
🎧 The New York Times podcast on gender medicine: The Protocol
🎧 Sasha + Stella Interview the Dutch Researchers who Started Blocking Puberty
📬 genderstory@nytimes.com – NYT’s call for parent/kid voice memos about gender medicine
📖 Under a Pink Sky by Esther Ghey – on the death of Brianna Ghey - Stella just finished
📖 Different: What Apes Can Teach Us About Gender by Frans de Waal - Stella’s current book
📖 The Extinction of Experience by Christine Rosen - Sasha’s current book
📽️ The Coddling of the American Mind documentary
Until next time,
Sasha & Stella
I would be interested in this topic: Non-binary identity as “gender nihilism”. What is the reasoning behind choosing this gender identity?
Relationship dynamics among ftms would be interesting!