I really agree with the points about parenting. We have placed so much emphasis on the parent/child relationship (going back decades) instead of thinking in terms of the ebb and flow of relationships within the family as a whole, that it is really easy for parents project their own feelings and fears onto their kids.
Especially in the earliest phases of childhood when children haven't individuated, parents have a really hard time sitting with their children's pain. Little things, like not getting an invite to a party or being disappointed in some experience or being on the losing side in a sandbox dispute, are almost more painful for parents than for their kids. Their instinct is to fix the problem in some way or alternatively to make sure there is no distress in the first place by structuring their play so that it's always fair and egalitarian or working behind the scenes to make sure every kid gets a prize.
Part of this is that we have popularized the misconception that the normal ups and downs of childhood are "trauma" and that everything we experience early in our lives has the negative potential to scar us. (Jerome Kagan's Three Seductive Ideas calls this "infant determinism".)
We've lost sight of the fact that all these little disappointments and small challenges help to prepare us for the big challenges of adult life. We forget that the stakes are as low as they can possibly be in childhood. We probably won't remember that we didn't get an invitation to the big party of 4th grade, or if we do remember, it will loom less large with time and experience. In childhood play and in the course of our school years, we try and fail and try again to get along with people, to fit in socially or not. The more we do it, the better we become at it. It's painful and uncomfortable sometimes but it's also what spurs us on and helps us to gain a sense of self possession and agency.
Childhood experiences should be a resource we can draw on throughout our lives, to help us understand new situations, or to give us a sense of proportion. But when we don't allow kids to have those experiences it becomes really hard for them to acquire them in adolescence and young adulthood for all sorts of reasons, not the least of which is puberty, and the fact low stakes experiences are far harder to come by.
Parenting has become managing that process for kids, but in trying to manage it we undermine it. I almost think that we parents lose our authority because we've bought into the idea that the stakes are really high and that anything we do, even if its well meaning, could be something our children deal with all their lives. And of course, we have a ton of professionals looking over our shoulders. No wonder parents feel paralysed and let children lead!
Like January says, we need to change what parenting has become into what it needs to be but learning to lean into our natural authority as parents. We need to protect childhood from the preoccupations of adults, boundaries and offer wisdom instead of fixes.
January's last comment is what kills me. I know that IF we get through this, there are still underlying social and emotional issues related to professionally diagnosed ADHD that need to be dealt with because our entire family has been dealing with these issues for almost 16 years. Desperate for help with "underlying-issues," I put my child into therapy 2 years ago, and within months he decided he was trans and was affirmed by his therapist instantly. That became the only thing they talked about. When I tried to discuss this with her, she corrected my use of his "dead-name" and pronouns. At the same time, MY new young therapist was working hard to convince me that "maybe he really is trans" and she would only refer to him by his "chosen name" when speaking to me. It was so exhausting and hurtful that I pulled both of us out of therapy after just a few sessions. It feels like there is no help for parents to deal with the underlying issues once "trans" is on the table. I'm honestly terrified of therapy after this experience, so we will be on our own dealing with the "underlying issues" forever it seems.
I really agree with the points about parenting. We have placed so much emphasis on the parent/child relationship (going back decades) instead of thinking in terms of the ebb and flow of relationships within the family as a whole, that it is really easy for parents project their own feelings and fears onto their kids.
Especially in the earliest phases of childhood when children haven't individuated, parents have a really hard time sitting with their children's pain. Little things, like not getting an invite to a party or being disappointed in some experience or being on the losing side in a sandbox dispute, are almost more painful for parents than for their kids. Their instinct is to fix the problem in some way or alternatively to make sure there is no distress in the first place by structuring their play so that it's always fair and egalitarian or working behind the scenes to make sure every kid gets a prize.
Part of this is that we have popularized the misconception that the normal ups and downs of childhood are "trauma" and that everything we experience early in our lives has the negative potential to scar us. (Jerome Kagan's Three Seductive Ideas calls this "infant determinism".)
We've lost sight of the fact that all these little disappointments and small challenges help to prepare us for the big challenges of adult life. We forget that the stakes are as low as they can possibly be in childhood. We probably won't remember that we didn't get an invitation to the big party of 4th grade, or if we do remember, it will loom less large with time and experience. In childhood play and in the course of our school years, we try and fail and try again to get along with people, to fit in socially or not. The more we do it, the better we become at it. It's painful and uncomfortable sometimes but it's also what spurs us on and helps us to gain a sense of self possession and agency.
Childhood experiences should be a resource we can draw on throughout our lives, to help us understand new situations, or to give us a sense of proportion. But when we don't allow kids to have those experiences it becomes really hard for them to acquire them in adolescence and young adulthood for all sorts of reasons, not the least of which is puberty, and the fact low stakes experiences are far harder to come by.
Parenting has become managing that process for kids, but in trying to manage it we undermine it. I almost think that we parents lose our authority because we've bought into the idea that the stakes are really high and that anything we do, even if its well meaning, could be something our children deal with all their lives. And of course, we have a ton of professionals looking over our shoulders. No wonder parents feel paralysed and let children lead!
Like January says, we need to change what parenting has become into what it needs to be but learning to lean into our natural authority as parents. We need to protect childhood from the preoccupations of adults, boundaries and offer wisdom instead of fixes.
January's last comment is what kills me. I know that IF we get through this, there are still underlying social and emotional issues related to professionally diagnosed ADHD that need to be dealt with because our entire family has been dealing with these issues for almost 16 years. Desperate for help with "underlying-issues," I put my child into therapy 2 years ago, and within months he decided he was trans and was affirmed by his therapist instantly. That became the only thing they talked about. When I tried to discuss this with her, she corrected my use of his "dead-name" and pronouns. At the same time, MY new young therapist was working hard to convince me that "maybe he really is trans" and she would only refer to him by his "chosen name" when speaking to me. It was so exhausting and hurtful that I pulled both of us out of therapy after just a few sessions. It feels like there is no help for parents to deal with the underlying issues once "trans" is on the table. I'm honestly terrified of therapy after this experience, so we will be on our own dealing with the "underlying issues" forever it seems.
I appreciate this content but any advice for those parenting young adults from afar? Feeling all alone her
I also live in Leon County and would love to connect with January. Does she have an email I can contact her at?
Can you please email us at hello@widerlenspod.com and we'll connect you! Thanks!