Another thing that we no longer do as much is read good, deep literature. As a teen I loved reading thick, psychological novels like Crime and Punishment. Shakespeare, Wordsworth, Chinua Achebe, Sylvia Plath, there is so much amazing literature where characters work through difficult psychological times - it's almost like doing therapy vicariously! One of the things that (I think) that helped my daughter desist is the fact that her school was drowning her in excellent literature. She got interested in Sylvia Plath, and noticed similarities between herself and the main character of a novel (a woman!). But, aside from gender, it also demonstrated to her that the angst and confusion and identity issues that she is experiencing are nothing new, and that people always struggle with their humanity in physical and psychological form.
I feel like we have to tread so carefully in these matters. And maybe this careful treading starts with returning to using terms such as psychopathology rather than the much sanitized “poor mental health”. When a family comes to me for help for their trans-identifying teen, there is often a lot more going on beneath the surface than immediately meets the eye. It’s not just “poor mental health”, but rather actual psychopathology that needs to be assessed and treated. And, in fact, this cannot and should not be addressed by people who are not equipped to assess and treat psychopathology or neurodivergence. I think that as professionals we need to reclaim our authority and profound responsibility that we ceded when we stopped referring to people who sought our help as patients and started calling them “clients”. This is part of the same cultural shift that transformed Gender Identity Disorder into Gender Dysphoria. Whether we know it or like it or not, we have been playing into the same system. Not one of the kids in my care are there just because they’re sad.
And similarly the shift from calling a “Doctor” to a “provider” within the insurance industry and beyond. So then the “client” can now more easily go in and demand the treatment they desire.
I think part of this might be that families are now formed and maintained on the basis of emotion. The assumption used to be that it was a commitment, for better or worse. It think that parents are desperate to keep the conflict and difficult emotions in check because it just feels so destabilizing. And that pattern is repeated in friendships. I think we need to emphasize that being through something big matters and the richness of shared experience even if it’s not always pleasant.
One of my greatest regrets in all of this was feeling in over my head when our 10th grade daughter declared she was non-binary (in a letter), whatever that meant. We asked her if she wanted to see a therapist to work out what she was feeling. I remember saying out loud to my husband at the time that I didn’t really want to use a therapist because it felt as though having a therapist as a teenager was trendy among these girls. But we didn’t know what else to do. Alas, we put ourselves in that triangle that you both speak about frequently- the distressed child, the persecuting parent and the savior therapist. Now at age 22 she thinks she needs double sessions with her therapist before she can tolerate a visit from her own mother. I desperately want to end the therapist, but my husband fears the worst if we cut that off. She is old enough to cut us off now. I can’t wait until we have fulfilled our commitment to support her through her education and then she will be too poor to afford sessions that are likely destroying her mental stability and firm her as a man? A boy? Who knows. And yes, ugh, the mindfulness in schools since 2014 has been overwhelming. And the schools brag about it, telling parents all of the things they are doing to help our “overstressed overworked kids”. All the while we sent them to that school to be taught how to work hard, to have high expectations and learn resilience and goals setting.
My daughter will be 22 soon and I got a therapist involved early in high school as i couldn't sooth my highly sensitive daughter with her "anxiety". We are supporting her life at college but I don't think she is surrounding herself with healthy people. She is dating a trans woman and identifies as trans herself this year. In our last conversation, she mentioned that she would may be open to medical changes. When she dated a non-binary man last year, she came out as non binary and changed name and pronouns via text! She doesn't feel safe in our home when she is home- last two holidays have been challenging to say the least. Now she is focused only on gender, relationship and Gaza war- yes she is one of those on the front lines. Why are we financially supporting this? Do I just ignore it?
Yes! I’m a therapist and work with college age young people. They’ll say, “I don’t want to trauma dump on my friends.” But when I ask how they would feel if someone else shared something heavy with them, they always say they would welcome it. It’s extraordinary. I’m of Stella’s generation, and this is how we bonded with one another. I have been deeply influenced by Johann Hari’s book, “The Lost Connections,” which argues that interpersonal connections and meaningful work are what ultimately heal us from depression and anxiety.
This is such a major drive at the moment. For example, betterhelp.com advertising on YouTube depicts young people who say things like, “my number one advice for going through a breakup is to go to therapy…”. This seems a crazy and dangerous line for a therapy company to be using when talking about teenage ‘love found and lost’ should be a major part of what is shared in friendship groups!
Another thing that we no longer do as much is read good, deep literature. As a teen I loved reading thick, psychological novels like Crime and Punishment. Shakespeare, Wordsworth, Chinua Achebe, Sylvia Plath, there is so much amazing literature where characters work through difficult psychological times - it's almost like doing therapy vicariously! One of the things that (I think) that helped my daughter desist is the fact that her school was drowning her in excellent literature. She got interested in Sylvia Plath, and noticed similarities between herself and the main character of a novel (a woman!). But, aside from gender, it also demonstrated to her that the angst and confusion and identity issues that she is experiencing are nothing new, and that people always struggle with their humanity in physical and psychological form.
I feel like we have to tread so carefully in these matters. And maybe this careful treading starts with returning to using terms such as psychopathology rather than the much sanitized “poor mental health”. When a family comes to me for help for their trans-identifying teen, there is often a lot more going on beneath the surface than immediately meets the eye. It’s not just “poor mental health”, but rather actual psychopathology that needs to be assessed and treated. And, in fact, this cannot and should not be addressed by people who are not equipped to assess and treat psychopathology or neurodivergence. I think that as professionals we need to reclaim our authority and profound responsibility that we ceded when we stopped referring to people who sought our help as patients and started calling them “clients”. This is part of the same cultural shift that transformed Gender Identity Disorder into Gender Dysphoria. Whether we know it or like it or not, we have been playing into the same system. Not one of the kids in my care are there just because they’re sad.
And similarly the shift from calling a “Doctor” to a “provider” within the insurance industry and beyond. So then the “client” can now more easily go in and demand the treatment they desire.
I think part of this might be that families are now formed and maintained on the basis of emotion. The assumption used to be that it was a commitment, for better or worse. It think that parents are desperate to keep the conflict and difficult emotions in check because it just feels so destabilizing. And that pattern is repeated in friendships. I think we need to emphasize that being through something big matters and the richness of shared experience even if it’s not always pleasant.
One of my greatest regrets in all of this was feeling in over my head when our 10th grade daughter declared she was non-binary (in a letter), whatever that meant. We asked her if she wanted to see a therapist to work out what she was feeling. I remember saying out loud to my husband at the time that I didn’t really want to use a therapist because it felt as though having a therapist as a teenager was trendy among these girls. But we didn’t know what else to do. Alas, we put ourselves in that triangle that you both speak about frequently- the distressed child, the persecuting parent and the savior therapist. Now at age 22 she thinks she needs double sessions with her therapist before she can tolerate a visit from her own mother. I desperately want to end the therapist, but my husband fears the worst if we cut that off. She is old enough to cut us off now. I can’t wait until we have fulfilled our commitment to support her through her education and then she will be too poor to afford sessions that are likely destroying her mental stability and firm her as a man? A boy? Who knows. And yes, ugh, the mindfulness in schools since 2014 has been overwhelming. And the schools brag about it, telling parents all of the things they are doing to help our “overstressed overworked kids”. All the while we sent them to that school to be taught how to work hard, to have high expectations and learn resilience and goals setting.
My daughter will be 22 soon and I got a therapist involved early in high school as i couldn't sooth my highly sensitive daughter with her "anxiety". We are supporting her life at college but I don't think she is surrounding herself with healthy people. She is dating a trans woman and identifies as trans herself this year. In our last conversation, she mentioned that she would may be open to medical changes. When she dated a non-binary man last year, she came out as non binary and changed name and pronouns via text! She doesn't feel safe in our home when she is home- last two holidays have been challenging to say the least. Now she is focused only on gender, relationship and Gaza war- yes she is one of those on the front lines. Why are we financially supporting this? Do I just ignore it?
I wish i knew the answer. Indeed. Why r we supporting this
Yes! I’m a therapist and work with college age young people. They’ll say, “I don’t want to trauma dump on my friends.” But when I ask how they would feel if someone else shared something heavy with them, they always say they would welcome it. It’s extraordinary. I’m of Stella’s generation, and this is how we bonded with one another. I have been deeply influenced by Johann Hari’s book, “The Lost Connections,” which argues that interpersonal connections and meaningful work are what ultimately heal us from depression and anxiety.
This is such a major drive at the moment. For example, betterhelp.com advertising on YouTube depicts young people who say things like, “my number one advice for going through a breakup is to go to therapy…”. This seems a crazy and dangerous line for a therapy company to be using when talking about teenage ‘love found and lost’ should be a major part of what is shared in friendship groups!
That insta-therapy is creepy
Totally!
I mean I’m not against seeing a therapist via zoom, but it makes is a commodity. Don’t like your therapist? Just swipe for another.